Out of the Fog

I want to start this post by stating I love my kids.  Simon is everything, I never knew, I always wanted.  All kids bring heartache of some kind.  Whether it be someone being mean to them at school or having to get a painful shot or other treatment.  Simon just started out his life with us hopelessly watching as others tried to save him.  I gave birth with a smile and within hours had a multitude of tears and fears I had not experienced with my other boys.  Heck except for one broken bone, they had never had anything majorly physical happen to them. I remember feeling myself disconnect from Simon and having to consciously remind myself that it was okay to love him.  I didn't realize really at the time that the fog began then. 

Simon and Dave were pretty much whisked away within hours of his birth.  I got to say one final goodbye before he left for PCMC.  Luckily I had so much confidence for my legend in the sky that either the fog or the confidence made it not so bad.  As long as no one asked me how I was, I was fine.  I remember a social worker coming to my room and being so confused as to why she was there.  I would just say I'm fine.  My tears right now as I write this tell me maybe I never really was.....

Simon came home a week later, which in our community is absolutely fabulous.  We were afraid to care for him on our own and at the time there was no clue as to how complex he would end up being.  We went upstairs and stayed.  We hardly ever left our room.  Simon and his stuff was there.  He and that room became our world.  We thought this was temporary, not a way of life for the next 5-7 years.

Simon went through a lot.  Our family went through a lot.  Our boys had to give up a lot.  There is a lot of negative things I could trudge up and be resentful of.  We still make sacrifices for the benefit of Simon, because he is our family, he is his brothers' brother.  One for all and all for one.  Partnership in a family is so important and not one member of our family has ever let the other down.  Even little boys of 10 & 12 selflessly sacrificed with some consequence.  Life happens to everyone.  Everyone learns something and everyone has some kind of trial. 

Slowly but surely, we are discovering that we can live separately a little.  School helped and the bills that caused me to need to return to work helped that.  It was a good thing. It got me out of the house and not staring at my kid waiting for the next thing to go wrong. 

I'm not going to pretend that this whole experience has been rosebushes and rainbows, but I truly believe a choice is given in what side you concentrate on.  It can be hard or not so hard; its our choice and we made it.  We prefer not so hard.  So how do you do that?  We like to laugh, we laugh all the time.  We laugh about things we shouldn't laugh about.  We don't care, we want to laugh.  We want to smile, we want to find the thing to laugh and smile about.  We have given up the things out of our control and taken full control of the things we can. 

This has not been an easy choice.  Sometimes I really want people to know that despite my cheery attitude, it is hard.  It does bring tears to my eyes.  I do struggle.  I do get overwhelmed.  I do get sad.  I do get TIRED. But I choose not to stay there.  I choose to live.  I probably didn't fully make this choice until not that long ago.  This has been a conscious, goal setting choice.  We have made changes in our lives to ensure that we are living and doing.  It has been a one foot in front of the other, walking out of the fog.  Trying to fully shake the fog.  I don't know if its possible but I will not succumb to being bogged down by it.  Then where do I end up?  Sitting upstairs with a frown doing nothing about anything.  That is no way to live.  That is getting by.