My parents worked hard to make me an athlete. I liked clothes and boys and music; running I did because they told me to. I was blessed with strength. Strength I took for granted. I was a natural athlete who just went and did what I wanted without much effort. If I put on a few pounds it was pretty easy to decide I didn't like them and do something about it and it was done.
Things have changed. I still am strong..ish. For someone my age and fitness level, strong. I got fat, and continue to try and get rid of it despite trying. Hard. All that strength of body and mind diminished. I wanted it back. I had to work for it. In my quest for health, I find myself trying to find that athlete my parents wanted me to be because now I want her. I realize I mistreated her and took advantage of her. I'm having to beg for her to comeback. I'm having to face limitations. I don't accept limitations. But I'm realizing my confidence is probably my biggest asset. I just don't acknowledge that I can't do something and I'm fine and I go do it. I had to struggle with a possible can't and had to prove to myself that I can. That was foreign to me.
For 18 years my parents tried to encourage my natural gifts. It took about 30 years for me to get it. How's that for stubborn. I now proudly call myself a runner (though I still don't look like one). I am reading my running magazines and blogs. My inner athlete is thriving and emerging, but every now and then the fat girl tries to beat her down with doubt and fear. Every now and then life gets in the way no matter what I do or how much control I think I have. Lately I've found myself almost giving up, but realized the control I think I've lost is right there in the choice to go out and do it again. Even when I don't want to. Even after countless nights of barely any sleep because of our sweet, sick Simon. I do it anyway. That is the only accomplishment I need to invest any of my time in. The rest will happen. I keep trying to tell myself again and again until I believe it.
So 24 days until the marathon. My training has not been as tight as I've planned. But I've given it what I've got. My very best? I'm not sure. I wish I could say undoubtedly, yes; but I don't think that would be honest. But I can say this journey has helped solidify my quest to be and stay strong. To become the athlete I feel that is in me and deserves my attention, finally. To become the person that I can always be proud of and be an example to my family. I really do believe anything you want can be accomplished. Your quest to always be a better you, every new day, is a lifelong journey. Each new accomplishment earned should be the beginning of a new one.
So I ask my friends. Keep helping me push forward. Tell this fat girl to run and great things will happen. Get strong so my Simon can live in our home for his whole life. Get strong so I can finally tell that fat girl to shut-up; I'm running and can't be bothered to hear what she has to say anymore.
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